The Bands

It's been a strange month for the bands. SSW hasn't seemed to be able to all gather in a room together much, and we'll end up having gone at least a month without a rehearsal by the time our Oct 7th show comes along (we'll likely squeeze in a rehearsal the night before). We've been pretty steady weekly gatherers for a year and a half or so, so this has been unusual.

All the auditions and almost auditions and pick up bands that put me down culminated in my unexpectedly joining TD. And now, a month into that, I think I'm starting to settle in. I still feel like I'm on loose sand though...like my footing isn't firm. I know I should be patient with myself and not expect to learn 19+ songs without some time and effort...but it is frustrating to progress slowly. There's also the learning to speak and interact with two new musicians (and human beings). You would think that a language that is both written and audible would be easy to communicate (music I mean)...but everyone speaks it a little differently. When one person says "note" they really mean "beat" and subtle little things like that. And non-drummers have their own words for parts of the drum set. And I'm still building my musicial toolbox. "play a shuffle" means one thing to me...something else entirely to someone else. Nevermind that it can mean different things in different contexts. Plus add in all the nervous "I want to get what I want but I don't want to alienate this person I just met" stuff...and the usual tension of creativity and ownership and wanting approval in bands...AND the fact that people tend to react to me like a cat who's ears are always flat to its head (and me, the cat, unawares)...and, well, I'm uneasy and exhausted. I THINK things are going well...but I wouldn't be surprised if I'm totally reading everything wrong. I've read things wrong so many times in the past that it's starting not to even surprise me when there's a sudden problem. All I can do is keep practicing and try to be personable in my own way.

There were a few CJ rehearsals skipped this month too, but when we assembled last night I was overwhelmed with the love I have for this project. It's fun and it comes so easily. We're picking up new songs now like they are nothing. There's behind the scenes work that goes into that (each of us learning our parts on our own), but when we come together songs seem to come together quickly. It's really a joy. I want to remember this...because things in life always seem to change eventually. This was a nice time in life, music, and friendship...and I am glad for it.

A final thought on bands and people...I find it strange when you get edged out of a project for whatever reason for someone in the project to say "you've got three other bands, what do you care?" A band is an interaction between human beings. It's always difficult when you feel cast aside by another human being, whether or not you have other good things in your life. I don't understand why people who are fragile and complain about lack of communication from others never seem to value other's fragility or recognize their own lack of communication. I'm not really mad about any of it, but it does sting a bit...and makes me less empathetic to complaints of mistreatment from this corner. Humans are flawed and some flaws I have to accept in others who I have some use for in my life...but so often I feel like I'm the only one who sees these little ironies. I also feel like I am constantly nailed to the wall for the quirks in my personality and the social "mistakes" that I make...but others are allowed to be quirky and screw up and never seem to lose social status. I really do not understand why this is. Maybe they lose things that I'm not privvy to...but it's hard to see where.

More and more in my life though, I realize all I can do is be myself and learn to cope with the fallout when who I am conflicts with others. By this I don't mean "damn everybody else" I just mean that it's nearly impossible for me to predict and correct for the things that seem to get me in trouble sometimes...and so spending too much energy fretting about it doesn't really get me anywhere.