The Central Issue

I've often said, as many people have, that being in a band is like being in a group marriage. All the same issues come up minus sex...hopes, dreams, values, money, time management, personalities, communication styles.

I've also come to believe in recent years that all conflict rises out of fear. Deep seated fears about keeping what we have and about our self-worth...all the us and them stuff...it all gets down to fear. Fear feeds sadness and anger and pretty much everything else. But no one likes to admit that they are afraid...and many people don't even realize that they are afraid.

I'm insecure about my musical abilities...which makes me fear rejection. I also often feel that people don't understand my communication style...which makes me fear they will not understand me and reject me. And these things lead to conflict often. I, at least, am aware of my "stuff"...it is frustrating when other people...who all have their own stuff...aren't aware that they have stuff. Then they just think you are crazy.

Music is such a hard thing to share with other people because it is so personal. It is attached to feelings. Maybe there are folks who play music out of a mechanical exercise with no emotional investment, but I've yet to meet those people. Mostly...we're invested. And when you are invested, there is a fear in there somewhere.

Overlay on top of this the fact that music is a language essentially...but it is a language that everyone speaks differently. Imagine two people who both know English. But one person can only write it and one person can only speak it. Or one person can read while the other can only learn new words by hearing them. Drop on top of that a regional dialect...words that person A knows are words that person B has never heard and doesn't know the meaning of. Drop on top of THAT...maybe one person went to Yale and got a PhD in English while the other person never finished high school. Yet...person A is totally invested in their way as the only way and can't imagine reality not matching their experience. Person B feels the same way about THEIR experience.

So you end up with two people...who in theory both know English...but who can't communicate with each other. And this makes them question themselves (whether they realize it or not)...and get angry or frustrated with the other person...or any of the other fear based reactions one might have.

In an ideal world, we'd all just be curious how interesting it is that we are all the same and yet so different. We'd want to learn more about that. Instead, we tend to dig our heels in and defend our own position.

I keep thinking that I can get over these issues and learn to communicate better and to be more open and to not feel threatened and to not let my fear take over. And yet, the same problems come up again and again.

The life thing...the people thing...it is hard.