Measuring Up

It is probably human nature to compare ourselves to others. I have low self-esteem so I probably do it more than the average person. It is both a factor in me pushing myself to be a better musician and also a significant source of anxiety in my relationship to music. I constantly worry that I'm not "good enough."

Maybe it makes me a bad person, but I watch other musicians and make judgements about their ability. People who say this doesn't happen on a large scale are full of crap. My judgements of others tends to fall into the:
1) I'm better than them (I don't feel particularly good about this, usually it means that the listening experience is not enjoyable)
2) I could do what they are doing, we're about equal (this is the most reassuring feeling)
3) They are way better than me (how I feel about this depends on a modifier...read on)

Fortunately, my assessment doesn't stop here. There's a second tier for those that I percieve as better than me:
1) do I like what they are doing (do I want to listen to it)
2) do I want to be able to do what they are doing.

A surprising amount of the time, my answers to this second tier are:
1) no, I don't like what they are doing
2) no, I don't care if I can't do that.

Essentially, I can appreciate skill and talent even when I don't like it. And when I don't like it, it makes me feel less bad about myself for not being able to do it.  Because I'm insecure though, I'm costantly checking in with myself to see if this is all just sour grapes. You know, the "well I didn't want to be able to do that anyway" attitude. Usually I am able to convince myself that it is not, in fact, sour grapes.

It is a great relief to me that, in the vast world of musical styles and techniques, that there are broad ranges that I can check off my list as "not interested." Jazz. Metal. Latin. Prog. Blues. Afro-Cuban. Reggae. I just don't have to worry about it. So reassuring!

Pop. Rock. Punk. Ska. That's all I'm really interested in. And this is enough of an endless list. (Folk? Country? There's a time and a place. Anyway, for the most part I consider these a subset of pop and rock, though they do touch blues too).

So what about in the case that I perceive the person as way better than me and I DO want to be able to do what they are doing. This makes me feel a little bad, yes, but usually it makes me feel more positive about them than negative about me. And it makes me watch them really closely.

It is interesting, because it isn't so much the internal assessment that makes me feel bad...it is the anticipation of the assessment and the potential comparison to be made by others in attendance. Basically, I don't want to go on the same stage on the same night as someone who is a bunch better than me.