Second gig of the day. Benefit for WORT with Hewn and Cowboy something-or-other. I'd sobered up. Load in was 8:30pm for an 11:15pm start time. We didn't take stage until at least 11:45pm. The whole thing was kind of a circle fuck with a serious misunderstanding about sharing gear which led to high anxiety and a seriously stripped down drum kit. I actually think I played really well. I think I was to the "fuck it I don't care" point and that actually made me play better. During "Jack" a smoke machine that I didn't know was behind me (nearly under my throne) went off. The effect was a loud swooshing noise, a flash of orange (as the smoke diffracted the "on" light) and smoke. SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME. I thought there was an electrical fire. Threw my gear bags across the stage so they wouldn't catch fire, jumped out of my chair and ran over to alert the sound guy. The rest of the band kept playing. Eventually I figured out what had happened and felt stupid. Oh well. It was interesting because I definitely had the thought process..."I could keep playing and see if this gets worse. No fuck that. This isn't worth getting hurt. I'm out of here."
I was in a bad mood all night. Spent most of the pre-show time in my car listening to Pema Chodron tapes and napping. I didn't want to hang out in the bar. Besides not wanting to talk to people and not wanting to be around the booze...they had these horrible disco lights on. Felt like I was gonna have a seizure.
I think that I was probably rude to several people, or they probably felt that way. I just really, really hate people coming up to me. I'm realizing that a major reason I drank (or a side effect) was that it made being around people easier. I remember I used to have a really hard time being out with the sweetie's friends or people from the Mill. Just super uncomfortable. That's how I feel at gigs. You can't really have a real conversation with anyone because it is loud and dark and most likely the other person is drunk...or they have some weird think going on about you being "the talent." I just don't like being the center of attention and I don't like small talk. I just feel claustrophobic...like I want everyone to get away from me. It's like a nightmare. Combine that with the fact that people always want to talk to me right before or right after I play. This is when I'm moving my shit people. I can't talk to you right now. But honestly, I don't want to talk to them no matter when it is.
I'm sure people think I'm a real ass. I just don't know how else to be.
I just fine performances to be so disappointing. More and more I wonder why I do it and think about maybe not doing it anymore. There's all the moving of crap and parking and guarding your gear and worrying about your gear in the weather. Nothing ever goes the way you think it will or the way it was promised. You have to stay up really late and stand around. And the songs never sound as good as they do in practice. It's just a pile of disappointing irritation.
I'm trying to think of it as an exercise in accepting the impermanence of life and not getting attached to my own self-importance (how well I play doesn't matter). It's hard though. It's hard to go with the flow. It's hard to be in such an uncomfortable situation. But I probably need to stop trying to make myself comfortable all the time.
When I really think about it, I was happy with my playing. I had a few nice moments with AS as I re-orchestrated my parts on the weird kit. I had fun while I was playing. It was just everything before and everything after. And feeling dumb about the smoke machine. I'm making out like everything was so horrible, but it really wasn't.
I do think that, as big of a pain in the ass as it is, I should ALWAYS bring my own kit...even if I leave it in the car.
Setlist:
Bodies
One
Easy
At the Door
Gun
Better
Jack
Gotta
Going Down
Fire
Sent
Vacuum
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