Simple versus Complex

In the last post I talked about Adam Clayton being a simple bass player. This gets to the very heart of a primary issue for me.

I have low self-esteem in general and an underlying sense that nothing I do is ever good enough or ever will be good enough. I'm working on this because it affects every aspect of my life...but it is a hard nut to crack.

Music has played against this primary element of my being strongly. When I play an instrument well...I discount this as "it was easy" and not worth merit. When I struggle...I think I suck. One of the true joys of playing in CJ is that, for the first time ever, I've achieved some balance. I find it easy to play the bass in that band...but it took some work to learn the songs...and I feel some accomplishment. It still feels worthy even though it came to me relatively easily. And I think the fact that other people seem to enjoy it and that they respect KD so much makes it seem like maybe I'm not just bullshitting myself.

From the outside world I do feel like there is this double standard in music. Like true accomplishment is in technical proficiency.  And I don't think it is in my constitution to become really technically proficienct. I don't have the discipline or the interest. I'm not going to be a great jazz or latin or metal drummer...I'm not going to play slap and tap bass. 

Conversely, people are always saying that complicated does not equal good.

But who are they kidding?

I worry that I'm starting to listen to the "simple is good" chorus simply to justify that I'll never be technically proficient. Am I just trying to make myself feel better? Who am I kidding?

But I've started to realize that I don't listen to complicated music. Never have. Have no desire ever TO listen to it. And my taste in music predates my attempts to play it. So that's just innate, ya know?

There's nothing more grotesque than a drum solo. There just isn't. I mean...what the fuck? I used to want to play bluegrass and I quit because I didn't like the "everyone takes a lead" stuff...not because I couldn't do it (I couldn't) but mainly because it seemed so totally DOUCHEY.  (Note here, I struggle over whether the word "douchey" is okay to use...and at the moment I'm struggling with the spelling too...but I read an interview this weekend in which KD used it...so fuck it...I'm using it). Lead guitar? DOUCHEY.

When I was 12 years old and becoming a human being all I wanted to do was play the acoustic guitar...mostly rhythm guitar. I didn't want to be Eddie Van Halen. Stephen Stills perhaps (and I DID dig the solo on Suite Judy Blue Eyes, but that's a different kind of solo).

I can appreciate technical proficiency...but it doesn't really INTEREST me. I'm not interested in listening to it and I'm not interested in playing it.

Still...I feel bad about this. And worry that other people will think I'm a hack...cause I think I'm a hack.

Why it matters if I'm a hack I've not yet figured out. Playing music is something I'm driven to do and always have been driven to do. It's just part of me. And it really doesn't seem like my playing needs to please anyone but myself. Of course, there's the rub...whether it please me or not.

It's funny to be involved in LRC/GRC now. There are a bunch of women who have been afraid their whole lives to play music and now they are going for it. They look up to me and think I'm great...which feels weird because I don't feel great. It's true though that I encourage them despite their beginner status and I think they are awesome for trying. Irony.