Performing

The last post was pretty gloomy and it led to a FB discussion on the matter, which I nearly always regret...but oh well.

It really has got me to wondering though...what the hell is the point of playing out? I've always said that I play out because it makes the band more committed. People rehearse less often and come to rehearsal less prepared if there's no deadline of a performance looming. That annoys me. I want to play frequently and well.

I haven't said out loud the second factor though...which is that playing out lends legitimacy to a band. There are bands that play out and there are bands that "only" play "in the basement" (insert look down nose here). In all honesty, I've yet to feel full legitimacy in a band...though CJ approaches that. I always kind of feel like I'm on the B squad. Not a "real" band. Just a bunch of wanna-bes.

But I think that my skills (and the solidity of at least a few of the bands that I play in) are improving to the point where I'm "good enough."

But anyway...who is lending this STAMP OF APPROVAL? It's really all in my head.

And so, when I think about it, what's the end game? When will I feel legitimate? Probably never, right?  So by that metric...really what is the point of playing out?

It is funny because, I think lots of musicians can feel where I'm coming from on this. But non-musicians (the audience) can't. It's probably a great insult to them in fact. They thought the performance was ABOUT THEM. Nothing, at least in my case, could be further from the truth.

And I am so horrible at taking compliments that there is probably nothing nice that you could say to me after watching a performance that I would take to heart. I would assume that you were either just being nice or had no idea what you were talking about or were guided by some other motivating factor (the "fan" phenomenon).

Side discussion: What is the fan phenomenon you ask? You like a performance or a performer for reasons that have nothing to do with the performance. You admire them or you have a crush on them or you have some secret wish to be a musician or you are drunk or something. I can speak to the fan phenomenon because I do it to other people. ALL THE TIME. Subset of the fan phenomenon...any song that you have heard at least five times in your life you will probably sort of like whether it is good or not. It is the rule of familiarity...a sub-set of the fan phenomenon.

Back to topic...I probably don't enjoy performing because I'm not performing for the audience. I'm performing to play. The audience is, if anything, just there to make me feel like what I'm doing is legitimate. In truth, they make me uncomfortable at best.  I've discussed before with non-musicians that this is a bizarre way to approach the performance from their perspective. It is entirely true that I'd probably enjoy performing more if I got some kind of good feeling from playing for others. But I don't. I could, perhaps, condition myself to enjoy it or try harder to make a connection...but it is a little like saying that I might get along better in the world and be less depressed if I smiled at people and tried to make a connection. I'm not sure that is in my DNA. I'm not saying that I couldn't change. I'm saying that I don't want to change...and that even if I did it would be difficult and possibly fail.

Given the DNA that I have, though...should I be performing? I guess I'm saying that I'm not sure that I should.

This is related more than slightly with another part of my life. I wrote a novel. I enjoyed writing it a bunch. I enjoyed less so, preparing it for publication. It felt good to have it published though and to hold the finished product in my hand.  Pretty universally, though, I've been uncomfortable with the idea that anyone that I know or will ever meet face to face might read the book. I'm more ok with strangers who I will never meet reading it...but even some of them have made me uncomfortable...particularly the ones who felt the need to criticize it publicly. I wasn't ready for criticism. I also wasn't ready for other people to interpret the book in their own ways...or for people to wonder about my motivations or whatnot.  My only condolence is that a handful of people have been helped by the book, and I believe that to be true in my heart. Otherwise, it was a horrible experience and it has made me hesititant to repeat. If I do publish another...I will not promote it. If you need it, you'll find it.

I've had a similar experience with every recording that I've ever made and allowed another person to hear.

Anyway...I don't know where I'm headed with all of this. I guess that the take home is that you really can't get validation from someone or something outside of yourself. And if you are getting validation from inside...than you don't need the external validation really at all. 

There are people who get satisfaction from performance, that's the fun part. For me it is a chore to be suffered through. So why am I doing it?