Fundamentals Week 11

I didn't turn in my assignment for Week 10.

This week is more jazz...swing...and para diddle-diddles. I probably won't turn in this week's lesson either though I read all the materials and watched the videos.

It isn't like me not to turn in assignments for a class...but I guess that I just feel like I'm not getting anything out of turning them in at this point except feeling bad about myself. He gave me a D on the last assignment even though I emailed him and told him how much I was struggling. I'm not taking the class for credit...so the grades are kind of demoralizing since I'm not doing well. I wish that they weren't giving grades...just a "complete/incomplete" would have been better for me. And his comments aren't helpful...amounting essentially to "you are doing it wrong...you need to practice more." Duh. I know that. So turning things in have just become an exercise in stress and feeling bad about myself.

For sure this class didn't turn out the way that I thought it would. I thought I'd be so much further along at the end...but I'm really not. It reminds me of the last time I started lessons and thought I was going to advance so quickly...only to be crippled by the things I was struggling with and having to quit.

It's a strange and delicate balance between accepting where you are and feeling okay with that and working and striving to be better. It isn't lost on me that drumming is a metaphor for all the other things going on in my life right now. But I think that I'm learning that before you can really strive to be better...you have to REALLY accept where you are at. Otherwise no amount of effort will ever feel like enough.

And so I'm giving myself a pass on this class. I'm still taking in the information, but I'm not letting it beat me up. And I'm hoping to get back to a place where drumming is fun again soon rather than having it make me feel bad about myself.